Concordia TheoBLOGical Seminary

Gary Chapman has gotten a lot of notoriety these last few years with his marital self help book, “The Five Love Languages.” According to him, the 5 categories of love languages are: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. He believes that we are programmed on some level to respond or want to receive love in one or more of these particular categories from our spouse. And, until we recognize what language we or our spouse “speaks,” we aught not be surprised when frustrations and deep marital problems arise.

On some level, you have to admit he is right. In the context of Western civilizations’ understanding of what we think we and our spouses should be doing to fulfill our notions of love, well, he’s nailed it. And to Chapman’s credit, he at least recognizes love as an action not founded on simple or waning romantic feelings. However, this can be misleading. Our overt actions are not the only glue to keeping our marriage in tact or devoid of problems. This would make us think that we are totally responsible; and whether you realize it our not, that’s a lot of pressure! An amusing case in point is Fox News’ latest headline suggesting, “Women, Want a Healthy Marriage? Marry Man Uglier Than You.” Well then, case closed-I guess that solves the divorce rate problem! If anyone concludes that taking responsibility for having a healthy marriage rests solely on choosing the less attractive spouse, they are diluting themselves. Now let’s get serious.

As Christians, we understand that God has brought husband and wife together (Mt. 19:6). The key to this understanding is God’s action. The free will between the man and woman surrounding the choice of their spouse and marriage should be, as the pastor says “not entered into inadvisably, lightly, etc. (Heb. 13:4 [show]Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. (ESV)
)” because problems will come up! Do not rely solely on the betrothed, but seek others advice and wisdom of your spouses character. Also, the “one flesh” that is created by God between two people in marriage is just as He says; they become a new creation (Gen 2:24 [show]Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (ESV)
). The consummation and promise (this is not just referring to sex) of man and wife, is just like Christ’s consummation with His Church. It is, in the context of “the five love languages,” a fulfillment of all of them- but yet so much more. Where sinful man and woman lack, Christ ‘opens up his hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing (Ps 145:16 [show]Psalm 145:16 You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
).’’ This is an intimacy that transcends any notion of physical gratification. Couples who are bound to the Church by Christ, have everything that they need! Meaning, a marriage whose spouses cling to Christ and His very present and continuous action (or ‘love language’) of Word and Sacrament, is fulfilled with the promise of life, salvation and the forgiveness of sins.

Among the many problems with Chapman’s book, is that he does not spend time talking about our true Identity; and from it, how our actions flow. A marriage certainly takes work and action because it is dealing with two sinful people. Consequently, desires can run amok and become unholy like greed and lust. Let us not fool our pious selves from thinking these things do not lead to grave and sad things like divorce. But even these things are not without reconciliation. When we receive and believe who we are in Christ, our actions are motivated by the Gospel in constant confession of our Lord. Our identity in Christ does not make us Christ, but leads us back to Him in repentance and to receive His holy absolution, which is true love, in Christ, that only He can give.

Spouses who regularly confess their sins and receive Christ in Word and Sacrament together, are as a threefold cord that is not quickly broken (Ecc.4:12). Our Lord’s language is the Word as the motivator for a healthy marriage.